Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Blood is thicker than water. It's a proverb as old as time, echoing through generations, often used to underscore the undeniable pull of genetic ties. But what happens when that metaphorical water representing external relationships and chosen bonds transforms into a raging river, offering sustenance and strength, while the blood symbolizing biological connection feels a little thin, perhaps even stagnant? We're talking about family, and not just the one you're born into.
Today, we're diving deep into the powerful, often transformative world of found family. The individuals you choose to build your life with, the people who become your anchors in the unpredictable currents of existence. This isn't just about acquaintances or friends. It's about crafting a profound sense of belonging with those who truly see, understand, and uplift you, transcending the conventional definitions of kinship.
[00:00:51] Speaker B: Right, because for a significant number of us, the family we're born into isn't necessarily the one that truly gets us or provides the unconditional support we crave. This dynamic plays out in countless scenarios. Think about the vibrant tapestry of the LGBTQ community, where individuals often find not just acceptance, but fierce advocacy and profound love within chosen families, creating safe spaces where authenticity thrives. Or consider immigrants building new lives in new lands. Separated by vast distances from their biological relatives. They often forge incredibly strong bonds with others who share similar experiences, creating vital support networks that become the bedrock of their new homes. These chosen bonds aren't merely a backup plan or a last resort. They are, for many, an indispensable lifeline, a source of profound emotional, practical, and spiritual sustenance. They represent a conscious act of creation, building a sanctuary of understanding and mutual respect.
[00:01:59] Speaker C: It's the kind of lifeline that's been there for you when a biological family member, perhaps with the best of intentions, asks you for the 10th time why you're still single or why you haven't had kids. Midget. Subtly implying a perceived failure to conform to societal expectations. Or, more painfully, when they just can't bring themselves to use the right pronouns, undermining your very identity. Found family, in these moments, steps in with unwavering acceptance. They are the ones who celebrate your successes without reservation, validate your struggles with empathy, and simply see you for who you are without judgment or pressure to change. They offer a mirror that reflects your true self, rather than a distorted image based on outdated expectations or societal norms. They are the embrace when your biological family keeps you at arm's length, the cheerleading squad when others doubt, and the quiet comfort when you feel most alone.
[00:03:13] Speaker A: And that's precisely what we're going to explore in today's episode. We'll delve into the multifaceted reasons we seek out these vital connections, from a deep seated human need for belonging and understanding to the practical necessity of support when biological ties fall short. We'll examine the inherent challenges that can arise in forging and maintaining these chosen families, because any profound relationship, they require effort, communication, and mutual respect. But most importantly, we will highlight the incredible immeasurable joy and resilience that found families bring, enriching our lives in ways that often surpass the limitations of blood relations. So stick with us as we unpack the profound and often overlooked power of chosen kinship and dig into that old saying, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
[00:03:59] Speaker B: How did we get this idea?
[00:04:01] Speaker A: Ooh, I think this one's been a long time coming. Right. Like, we've talked about it behind the scenes.
Some of our listeners that give us feedback and help us structure the episodes brought it up and have been working with us too, like Sammy out there on the west coast.
[00:04:15] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:04:16] Speaker A: So we've got some folks in the background that really wanted to see it happen. And I think in the end, it really comes from the fact that we are one big found family around here anyway.
[00:04:24] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. Me and dad may be blood related.
[00:04:27] Speaker C: But we are found family.
[00:04:28] Speaker B: There was.
We are found.
[00:04:30] Speaker A: Why don't you tell us a little bit about that? Because it's a. It's a unique story. So.
[00:04:34] Speaker B: Yeah. You cool with it, dad?
[00:04:36] Speaker C: Yeah, I'm cool with it.
[00:04:37] Speaker B: I feel like this is the appropriate time to call him dad.
[00:04:40] Speaker C: Yeah, please do.
[00:04:41] Speaker A: Absolutely.
[00:04:42] Speaker B: I get a little emotional, especially because it's about to be nine years. But I didn't get to know dad for basically my whole life until I turned 18. And I will never forget calling my dad for the first time being like, hey, I was maybe a different gender when you first met me and had a different name, but I'm here now. This man. Just what'd you do? Weren't you on the way to being like cabaret or something? You did a U turn.
[00:05:12] Speaker C: I was.
[00:05:12] Speaker B: And you're like, I'll be there in 20 minutes.
[00:05:14] Speaker C: I was on the.
I was on the road and when I got that call, suddenly my ground speed jumped from about 40 miles an hour to about 75 miles an hour.
And I didn't see a speed limit sign all the way to you.
And if I had, I would have ignored it.
[00:05:34] Speaker B: Yeah. About a month after I turned 18, after growing up thinking that my blood family boiled down to me. And my mother was 18 for about a month and found out I had a dad and two sisters, technically half sisters, but they're my sisters and a whole gaggle of nieces and nephews who are a little closer to my age than I would like. But I found. I literally found this whole other half of my family and that's right, really cool. They were very excited to meet me.
[00:06:05] Speaker C: I had been waiting from the time we were separated when Bobby was 2 years old, for the opportunity that his turning 18 would provide me to reconnect with him.
[00:06:17] Speaker A: It's a hell of a story. It's a hell of a story.
[00:06:18] Speaker C: It did happen.
It was amazing. It was astonishing. It was incredible. It was awesome. Nothing in my life could possibly compare to him.
[00:06:27] Speaker A: Look at you, too.
[00:06:28] Speaker B: And now I annoy the out of them. But I'm.
[00:06:30] Speaker A: Now there's more of us.
[00:06:31] Speaker B: Yeah. But I'm still the most responsible child.
[00:06:34] Speaker C: Yeah. Go fit. Go figure.
[00:06:36] Speaker B: And that. Basically it boils down to me having no human children of my own.
[00:06:44] Speaker A: Anyway, other stuff to talk about this week. I have to say this is my own personal little pet peeve this week, but I've been reading news articles left and right and I. We're losing public services left and right. We are poised to lose so many things in 2026. I don't know, Medicaid for 11 million people that it's INS.
But right now, under the new administration, NASA is fast tracking a reactor on the moon by 2030.
[00:07:09] Speaker B: That is a nuclear reactor.
[00:07:12] Speaker A: Yes. They just upsized it because Trump's priority to create a moon base for space force is very important.
[00:07:18] Speaker B: Isn't Trump also taking. He wants to get rid of some of the satellites we have, too.
[00:07:24] Speaker A: He's killing climate satellites and satellites that we use to monitor CO2 emissions which are integral to understanding climate change and the weather. But he doesn't want anybody understanding climate change.
[00:07:34] Speaker C: Let me, let me, let me just jump in here. As an old man who watched the first moon landing, who watched the last moon landing and has been dying for us to get our shit in gear and get back there ever since, I am not opposed to a nuclear reactor on the moon. It's an absolute necessity if we're going to colonize, if we're going to build something, colonize the moon, which I thought we would have done 30 years ago. Instead, I waited 40 plus years since the last moon landing to see us even try.
[00:08:04] Speaker A: Yeah. And now we're going to get Trump's Muna Lago Resort and Hotel and golf Course, yeah, I.
[00:08:10] Speaker B: It's going to be like that. It's going to be like the Futurama episode where they made the.
[00:08:15] Speaker A: Yeah, it really is. It's going to be the Wong family.
[00:08:17] Speaker B: Like, I.
I have too much respect for the moon, right?
[00:08:22] Speaker A: And what if it suddenly turns orange? Isn't that.
[00:08:24] Speaker C: Problem is, orange would go with cheese, but we all know it ain't cheese no more.
[00:08:29] Speaker B: Look.
[00:08:29] Speaker A: Wait, what? I can't eat the moon.
[00:08:31] Speaker C: Eat the moon.
[00:08:34] Speaker A: All right, I'll stop howling at it then.
[00:08:35] Speaker C: His priorities are all over the map. I would be amazed to see him follow through on this because he doesn't follow through on virtually anything he promises, predicts. What can I say?
It's just, Can I say today that'll get me some press, that'll get me some attention, that I can say off, fuck off tomorrow.
[00:08:56] Speaker A: Fucking moon a lot. I'm waiting for it.
[00:08:58] Speaker B: I think for me, what's scary and just, I don't know, fucks up my brain with Trump specifically is we're at a point where when I see a screenshot of a tweet from him, I have to read it a few times and then search and be like, is this real or is this a meme? Because you can't tell anymore. He's just off the fucking rocker completely. So, like, when he says shit like a nuclear reactor on the moon, I'm like, wow, you're fudgeing crazy. But also, you don't know what he's going to end up pushing through or not, because there's no consistency. There's consistency.
[00:09:36] Speaker A: There's no sanity to it.
[00:09:37] Speaker B: And that he lies.
[00:09:38] Speaker A: But then there's no sanity to it.
[00:09:40] Speaker B: There's no.
[00:09:41] Speaker A: His followers want to believe it's all three dimensional chess and really what it is, all two dimensional checkers with a mirror.
[00:09:47] Speaker C: And he's not good at that game.
He's not good at that game.
[00:09:50] Speaker A: No. Speaking of games, have you guys seen what's going on down in Texas? So down in Texas, we've got this epic showdown over their redistricting of the map. Essentially, they're gerrymandering of the map. You've got the Republicans trying to restructure the districting map so that they have more seats in the House before the midterms in 2026 so that they can cement their position regardless of how the public votes. Yeah, that's fucked up.
[00:10:16] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:17] Speaker A: So the Democrats decided to protest this action by leaving the state to deny them quorum, basically, to deny them the ability to vote this into play.
And now you've got the governor threatening them with fines and arrests. You've got the FBI investigating where they are, which is neither legal nor appropriate. And basically this showdown of strong arm tactics coming from Greg Abbott, this guy again, and potentially the administration trying to force the Democrats to allow the Republicans to do something utterly unfair that disenfranchises a huge number of voters for their own benefit.
It's a shit show.
[00:10:55] Speaker B: I have also heard, while this is disgusting, I have heard that states like California are now trying to mirror this with their Democrats and saying, okay, yes.
[00:11:06] Speaker A: Yes, and that is an arms race we do not need. We do not need everybody playing who can cheat better.
[00:11:11] Speaker B: Especially when we already know that there's a problem in this country with the two party system. We were never supposed to end up with two factions. And the last thing we need is it feels when we were still like trying to take over parts of the country.
[00:11:27] Speaker A: Democrats fucked up.
[00:11:29] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:29] Speaker A: They're at an all time low in popularity amongst the civilian populace nowadays. They really screwed the pooch from the last election onward. Schumer and guys like him basically let Trump run roughshod over our democracy.
And now they're trying to do something, anything, to remain relevant. And no, the GOP wants to drive this home. They want to minimize them as much as possible, roll over them and move on.
And how this goes is going to be important because it's going to shape the way we're voting.
[00:12:02] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:12:03] Speaker A: In the next election.
[00:12:04] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:12:05] Speaker A: I'm concerned with this. I'm very concerned with this. And I'm very much keeping an eye on it. Did you guys hear about Dean Cain? Superman? What a.
Oh, my God. Oh my God. I guess we know he hangs out with Kevin Sorbo now.
So here's my message to Dean Cain. I'm going to make it very simple. I'm glad you found your priorities. Enjoy spending the rest of your career with Rob Schneider. Okay. Because neither one of you works. So on a lighter note, I thought you guys would get a kick out of this. Bobby knows. Bill, I'm just getting around to telling you, but I introduced our buddy Jack in the editing booth last week to the Rocky Horror Picture Shop.
[00:12:38] Speaker B: Yep. Actually we introduced him to two important movies. Rocky Horror Picture show and then Clockwork Orange.
[00:12:45] Speaker A: Yeah. So the double headed and the full Spectrum. The full spectrum.
[00:12:49] Speaker C: They're looking at the notes and I'm saying, what the hell is rhps? Should I know this?
[00:12:54] Speaker A: It's astounding.
So he's been on a tear with that since then.
So that's been a lot of fun. Next time he comes out, we may go see it live.
[00:13:08] Speaker B: We also have big news, actually, we have done it. We are on the TikTok.
[00:13:13] Speaker A: Yep. Go we're defiant pod on the TikTok.
[00:13:16] Speaker B: Go follow us. Go like our videos. Go fight the horrible people that have already infiltrated our comment section.
[00:13:23] Speaker A: Yeah, no comment about the comments.
We moderate to the extent that we can look at them without our eyes bleeding and that's about it.
[00:13:30] Speaker B: But seriously, go follow us on TikTok. It was a decision that we were debating for a while because.
[00:13:37] Speaker A: Yeah, because it's not like we want to support TikTok, but you need the exposure when you're new.
[00:13:41] Speaker B: Yeah, but we're also on YouTube too, with our full episodes and YouTube shorts. That's what they're called now.
[00:13:48] Speaker A: Yeah. So we've got our audio grams are done as YouTube shorts and our full episodes are posted. If it's a video episode, you get to see our pretty faces. And if it's not a video episode, you get a really cool audiogram that shows you where you're at and what's going on and the title of the episode and the artwork and all that good stuff. So it's pretty cool. Thanks to Turbo for putting that together for us.
[00:14:06] Speaker C: Have not done a video episode yet, but we will ultimately. And be careful what you wish for because you ain't seen us yet.
[00:14:12] Speaker A: Yeah, one day.
[00:14:14] Speaker B: But seriously, go subscribe on YouTube, go follow us on Tick Tock and help grow our army of defiant ones.
[00:14:30] Speaker C: So what exactly is a found family? We're all born into our biological family, our genetic family, and we don't have a lot of choice in that. They drop us out and here we are and there they are. And, you know, for better or worse, we have to deal with that. However. However, sometimes it's worse. And that's where found family comes in. Because though we can't choose our biological family, we can find the family that we need and that we want.
[00:15:02] Speaker A: Yeah. And if you think about it, for some people, it's just a matter of presence. The biological family isn't there for one reason or another. Whether it's by choice or whether it's by distance. In the case of immigrants or people who have moved from foreign countries to be here, or whether it's for other sadder reasons.
[00:15:18] Speaker C: That's okay. This whole topic is not about necessarily replacing your family of origin, but more supplementing them. If you have needs and your family of origin can't satisfy them, or isn't willing to satisfy them. You and I, and each and every one of us has a right to go out and find the family that will.
[00:15:41] Speaker B: And sometimes making a found family is a necessity. Sometimes the family that just spit you out into the world doesn't really value you as a human being for a multitude of reasons.
[00:15:56] Speaker C: Sometimes the family you are born into is just utterly dysfunctional.
It has nothing to do with your. Your innate personality or your gender dysphoria or whether or not you're attracted to men or women. It's simply that they are not a functional group of people.
Think about child abuse and children who are. I've just read in the last five days probably six different articles about fathers who've killed their infant children because they couldn't deal with them crying. Dysfunctional doesn't get any more dis than that.
[00:16:32] Speaker A: We're going to talk about found family. Like we're sitting here talking about, you know, defining found family. Right. We kind of are one. This whole crew here, you know, this is true. So we've got the guys that do the podcast, the three of us, and then we each have our own found family that they all connect in a way and make this little tribe, which is beautiful. It's this, like, amazing environment where people connect and they grow and they evolve, and there's a support structure for everyone and warms the heart. So when we talked about doing this episode, a lot of it came from that. And I think a lot of what we talk about in terms of defining found family is how we define it. It's not the people that you're born with. It's the people that you love the most. And sometimes that's a mix. Sometimes that is the people you're born with. Sometimes it's not. So here we are.
[00:17:21] Speaker C: And it's not. It's not your fault. Sometimes it's not even their fault. They are who they are. They were born the way they were born, and they have no capacity to change themselves.
[00:17:32] Speaker A: Yeah. And I've seen more often than not that it's just, you know, a compatibility thing. There's nothing that says the family you're born into is going to be people you're compatible with.
[00:17:41] Speaker B: That's also true.
[00:17:43] Speaker C: Leave it to Beaver. Beaver Cleaver. That was wonderful. They were a beautiful little nuclear family from the 1950s world. A sitcom.
But that traditional view has really expanded. The American family is a quilt. It's not a. It's not a perfect square. And remember that what you saw in those 1950s sitcoms were heavily filtered to reflect the societal norms of the time.
[00:18:12] Speaker A: Or, more appropriately, what they wanted those norms to be.
[00:18:15] Speaker C: Exactly. At the time, it looked perfect, which is why some politicians want to take us back to the good old days.
[00:18:23] Speaker B: And it sold appliances real well and told women to stay home and clean.
So why do some of us go looking for found family? There's a few reasons. Like I said before, queer. We're just the LGBTQ community. They have high rates. Actually, we have high rates of family rejection and homelessness. According to a 2020 study from the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law, 40% of homeless youth identify as LGBTQ. This isn't just a hypothetical problem. It's a very real crisis that makes found family not just a comfort, but a necessity for survival. And queer youth also have another. On top of homelessness, there's also not many queer youth. Safe homeless shelters.
[00:19:14] Speaker A: Right, right. And that number. I just want to call out that number. Like, wow, we. We are just failing the youth, you know?
[00:19:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:19:21] Speaker A: We've got homeless youth. That's a problem.
[00:19:24] Speaker C: But 40, and you heard. You heard, and you felt the same thing. I did. The richest country in the world has young people sleeping under overpasses.
[00:19:34] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:34] Speaker C: Because they have no home.
[00:19:37] Speaker A: Yeah. And that's because. And for almost half of them, that's because they're gay.
[00:19:40] Speaker B: Whoa.
Not to mention trans. There are even some homeless shelters who will accept the gay kids, but not the trans ones. It's a very big problem we could have a whole episode about if we wanted to speak to the queer percentage of homeless youth, because it is a drastically. Just disgusting, terrifying number. But that is a big reason for going out and finding family. I mean, we've spoken about Marsha P. Johnson a lot, especially during Pride. She went out and found her family with another group of trans people of the time, Gay people, Just queer people. That's a found family right there.
[00:20:20] Speaker A: I think about my grandparents, my great grandparents. They were immigrants here. Right. They came across the water from various places in Europe and. And other. And, you know, you don't always admit to other nowadays because you don't want Dean Kane coming for you with this case. But, you know, now, my grandfather's Cuban. My grandmother's Spanish. On that side of the family, they came over. My great grandparents on my dad's side came over from Norway and from Denmark. So these. When they got here, I've heard the stories. It was found family because the only people they knew when they got off the boat was each other. And the people they got off the boat with. So they got here and had to build their families. They had to build a world around them. They had to build that social safety net. They had to build that warm, safe place that we all kind of crave.
[00:21:03] Speaker B: Yeah. Sometimes a circle of friends is really just a circle of found family that turns into a web of more.
[00:21:10] Speaker A: Sometimes it starts as friendship and ends up as something more.
[00:21:13] Speaker C: Yeah, imagine. Imagine what these people are going through. They are brutally underprivileged at home, sometimes under attack by drug cartels or neighborhood gangs to the point where they reach the stage where they just throw their hands up and say, fuck this, I'm going somewhere else.
They come to a country where they don't know the culture, they don't know the language, they don't know the system. But they come because there's an unspoken sometimes a spoken promise, but don't believe everything you hear. And they just. They throw themselves into it. With no support system whatsoever. They're desperate for the family they've left behind, and they have to go out and search for that. Their neighbors, their coworkers, friends who become a new support system. This is all they have, and they're trying to build a life around it.
[00:22:13] Speaker A: I think that connection, that kinship, is something that we all need, and I'm going to keep pointing that out as we go through this episode. I think it's a basic human need.
[00:22:22] Speaker B: I feel like a lot of the. More, I guess we want to call it nuclear families or more traditional families, have words for found families that they include that people don't think about, like godparents or calling someone a surrogate father or surrogate mother or these are your.
[00:22:40] Speaker A: Cousins who want to really.
[00:22:44] Speaker B: Another reason people may reach out to find found family or people they relate to is being neurodivergent. Sometimes when you're in a household that either doesn't have any other neurodivergency, which is very rare, pretends that there isn't neurodivergency. It can feel hard to feel accepted, to feel heard, to feel validated, dated. And suddenly somebody with ADHD finds another person with ADHD and they're like, oh, being neurodivergent can be like speaking a different language than everybody else. So when you find somebody else that gets it, even if it's not the same diagnosis, but just gets the. Oh, yeah, your brain don't work with factory settings. Yeah, cool. Mine doesn't either.
[00:23:30] Speaker A: Defaults do not apply here.
[00:23:32] Speaker B: Which buttons you missing? I got these levers. Will that help you?
[00:23:35] Speaker C: Try to imagine the people who are trying to separate themselves from a very strict, very limiting religious faith or a cult. All they have ever known for their entire lives is the beliefs of the people surrounding them. And yet somehow they've developed a mind that questions this. They want to leave the cult and they have absolutely nowhere to turn. Unless they're lucky enough to know someone who has successfully extricated themselves, They've got no one to ask for help. If anyone ever needed a found family, it is these poor souls because they are adrift.
[00:24:17] Speaker A: Speaking of adrift, there are a lot of us that wander into subcultures in our society or counterculture parts of our society. And for many of us, those are the places where we find our found families because we find people with like minds and like interests and like views. Even just having different opinions from your blood relatives can really screw things up. Like it can tear a family apart. And so sometimes people hold things so dear that a difference of opinion is enough to drive a wedge. And whether that wedge is social or political or personal stuff doesn't really make a difference. Yeah, it can be enough to send you out there and say, hey, you know, it's time to start looking. It's time to start saying, who really is my family after all, and who do I want to be?
[00:24:59] Speaker B: Sometimes those divisions and families could go from who voted for who to mom's reaction to the tiniest wrist tattoo you got. Now you're kicked out of the house or disowned.
[00:25:12] Speaker C: The trope of the dreaded Thanksgiving dinner is more than just a trope. There are people, and I know some, and I know some people who would rather sit at home alone and have a bowl of cheerios on Thanksgiving, then face that insanity.
[00:25:26] Speaker B: I would have a feast with friends. Like people have heard of friendsgiving. That became a thing. And you know, Bill, AKA dad over here, created a thing a few years ago for our big found family that we just call a festivus feast because we're going to be non denominational as well. And it's so much better not having the pressure of whatever stupid date the colonialism put on a bad holiday.
[00:25:56] Speaker C: It is the feast of the winter solstice.
Well, it happens between Thanksgiving and Christmas because that's when the family I want to have present is not committed elsewhere and the friends I want to have present are not committed elsewhere. So I try to do three days, Friday, Saturday, Sunday of just, you know, yo, I got a shit ton of food.
[00:26:16] Speaker A: Anybody hungry wander by? Yeah.
[00:26:19] Speaker C: And the door is open.
[00:26:21] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. It's cool, you know, it's. It's about having more than just friends in the end. It's about having something that's beyond just friendship. It's about something that's mutual kinship. And it's based on something. It's. It's based on real investment, not some projected or implied connection based on blood. It's based on a mutual investment of time. It's based on a mutual investment of emotional content. It's based on a mutual investment of supporting one another. So when we choose each other, that choice is the foundation of a broader, bigger relationship if we want to let it be.
[00:26:57] Speaker B: I think another big thing it's based on is actual built up trust.
Not the sometimes expected trust, automatic trust or even expected respect that comes with a blood family.
Over time, you've come to trust these people, which is always a stronger connection.
[00:27:21] Speaker C: Because they've given you a valid reason to trust them.
Family doesn't give you. Family doesn't give you a reason. They demand respect and they manage. They demand trust simply because they're family. I'm sorry, it does not work that way.
[00:27:37] Speaker A: It's an obligation in some people's eyes. What we're talking about here is what do you. What do you really want to get caught up in? Do you want to get caught up in an obligation or do you want to get caught up in something you've invested in?
Because there's a big difference between the two.
[00:27:51] Speaker B: And a found family is loyalty that's built and goes both ways. Not loyalty that's expected, right?
[00:27:59] Speaker A: Or based on a last name.
[00:28:01] Speaker B: My mom used loyalty and the word loyalty like a threat. If I didn't drop everything I was doing in that moment. And as a kid, sometimes that literally meant homework and going to school, which was my job at young age.
That meant I wasn't loyal to her and I wasn't being part of the team of the family.
There's a huge difference in wanting to be loyal and what loyalty actually means. Backing each other up, not making you stop everything you're doing in your life and pay attention to one person.
I feel like with a found family, it helps you learn actual definitions of words that biological families can throw out like weapons.
[00:28:44] Speaker C: Loyalty cannot be exacted through coercion.
[00:28:49] Speaker B: So when we look at movies and TV shows and media today, we are seeing examples of a found family, especially in shows like Queer Eye or if you think about how all of the Guardians of the galaxy met, I mean it. I would even say the Avengers in general. Some dysfunctional found family. But That's a found family. There were even friends, which we look back at now and we know it's problematic and we've all seen the footage of friends with no laugh track and it's very uncomfortable to watch. Yeah, but friends was a very in your face example of found family. That's where we get that term friendsgiving and having a close relationship with a group of friends.
[00:29:33] Speaker A: And they weren't even really that close. They were kind of with each other. We're a lot closer. It slowly but surely, society and the legal system are beginning to recognize non traditional families in terms of things like health care and inheritances and even emergency contacts. They're starting to recognize non traditional roles, people in domestic partnerships and so on. But it's still pretty far behind what actually goes on in the real world with human beings legally.
[00:29:58] Speaker B: When it comes to found family versus blood family, we still have a long way to go. I feel like a good example, and I'm sorry to bring up a dark time, but was the 80s with the AIDS crisis and how many partners and literal found family couldn't visit relatives, loved ones in the hospital because of these regulations, because they weren't blood family means.
[00:30:24] Speaker A: The law and regulations basically favor blood family over whom you choose. Which is a little insane, but, you know, easy shorthand, I guess, for the legal system.
[00:30:36] Speaker C: All right, friends and family and found family. This will be where we get a little meta. We'll discuss how found families are often built by people not unlike ourselves, who frequently feel like outsiders. There is, let's call it, a strength in shared difference. These are not people looking for a place to hide. They're looking for a space where they can thrive. Once they've found their families, they're encouraged to embrace their authenticity, their resilience, their personal growth. Because these relationships are built on acceptance and not pre existing rules. You are not obligated to respect them. You are not obligated to love them. You are not obligated to trust them. All of these things are built over time, shared time.
[00:31:27] Speaker A: The more that I think about it, Bill, the way you put that, the more that I think about it, the more that's really what we're talking about. It is the misfits. It's us misfits, it's the freaks and the geeks.
[00:31:36] Speaker C: It's not always and only about being a misfit. Because I am in some respects as normal as you can hope for for a boomer.
I have communities outside of my home where I fit in perfectly and I react and interact and Enjoy the company of the people I'm surrounded with. But I'm open to so much more. I'm open to so much more. And I get it here in this crazy little found family that I have. And, Bobby, I'm not including you in found family because you're also biological, but in a sense, you are found family.
[00:32:13] Speaker B: I mean, you had to find me.
[00:32:14] Speaker C: Again, and I wasn't very successful at that. Thank God I have a daughter who could.
[00:32:19] Speaker B: But for me, it was all found family because, I mean, we may be biological, but I didn't know you. I know you know, you were found. My sisters were found. All of that family was found. Plus our podcast family that we now have, the web just keeps getting bigger.
[00:32:36] Speaker A: It brings us to something, too, which is when we talk about found family, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes a found family has the same potential for drama that a given family does. It has the same potential for conflict, and it's got the potential for heartbreak because these are people that you actually love. So there are sides to it that are very human. But you could consider downsides.
[00:32:57] Speaker C: It isn't all sunshine and rainbows.
You found the family because you needed something. But that family is as human as the biological family or the family of origin. You might be trying to put some distance between yourself.
[00:33:13] Speaker A: The truth is, they're as human as you are.
[00:33:15] Speaker C: There are people, their opinions will differ from yours, their personal beliefs will differ from yours.
[00:33:24] Speaker B: And sometimes when you find your found family, you also learn about a lot of family dynamics you maybe didn't experience before.
I grew up as an only child. I never understood when people said that siblings fight.
I know I do now understand that siblings fight.
[00:33:42] Speaker C: And it's, you met my grandchildren, didn't you?
[00:33:46] Speaker B: We've been talking about going out and finding a found family, but I don't know about y', all, but for me, it's like you stumble into it all of a sudden.
[00:33:53] Speaker A: It was for me, too. But for some people, it's different things. For some people, it's volunteering.
[00:33:58] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:58] Speaker A: You know, and. And non profits and things they get involved in, in the community. For some people, it's sports, sports club, sports leagues, even just bowling, I would.
[00:34:07] Speaker B: Even add, because, I mean, we're in 2025, we're in an Internet age, and found family can be over the Internet.
Like we said, Jack's far away. And even fandoms sometimes can become your found family. Tumblr, while it can also be a hellscape, is also like, you know, where Middle School emo me found out that I was the only person in the world that listened to My Chemical Romance. And sometimes just having that connection of, you know, a community of people on the Internet that like the same things as you and can discuss the same things as you fan about it. That's a found family too. Don't let people tell you they're not really your friends because they're like in another state. That's a found family and absolutely is.
[00:34:55] Speaker C: I will just introduce a caveat there. If you find your found family on the Internet, exercise some additional caution.
[00:35:03] Speaker A: Yeah. Make sure they're real as fast as you can.
[00:35:06] Speaker C: You don't have the face to face interaction. You don't have the interplay that you would.
[00:35:11] Speaker B: Yeah. If you are in the AI age now, which is different from when I was growing up.
[00:35:16] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah.
[00:35:16] Speaker A: No, deep fakes are real.
[00:35:18] Speaker C: Throw a little extra caution into that relationship, but don't preclude it. Absolutely do not preclude it.
[00:35:24] Speaker A: So here's one for you guys. I have a. I have a pair of questions and I'm going to ask you each one of you one. When it comes to. I'm going to start with Bill. When it comes to found family, we're going to ask about red flags and green flags. What are some things that make you go fuck no?
[00:35:39] Speaker C: Well, if your found family member is immediately trying to separate you from your family of origin for whatever reason they profess, there's an alarm that should sound.
[00:35:51] Speaker B: Unless it's blatantly for your safety. Like your blood family, like hates you for who you are. That's a different situation.
But if somebody you brought into your found family is immediately trying to cut you off from your existing family loved ones and isolate you. Yeah.
[00:36:07] Speaker C: That's domination. This is what I expect. This is what you will give or you will suffer the consequences.
And I'm sure that a lot of times it isn't that bold face and cut and dry. It's kind of like getting sucked into a cult. You can be absorbed before you realize the absorption is even taking taking place.
Once you've been absorbed, once you absorbed, the extrication is nigh on impossible.
So there's your red flags.
[00:36:43] Speaker A: All right, so Bobby, why don't you give us some green flags?
[00:36:45] Speaker B: Trust, like actually trusting the person, not because you're expected to. Mutual respect. For me, like sometimes for me it's just somebody I meet automatically respecting my pronouns. That is the like green flag. Caring about your interests, even if it's not something that interests them. When somebody is willing to let me go off about something I like even if it's not really something they care about, even if it's Green day for the 50 million time, because we all know that'll never end. There does have to be the give and take. It's you also listen when they go off about whatever their thing they're hyper fixated on. But I think that's a big one for me to just people who take the time to at least know and care about what my interests are.
[00:37:30] Speaker A: And there's a couple for me celebrating each other's wins is a big one. The people who take pride in you, the people who know when it's time to pat you on the back, those are great people to be around. And I think the people who show off when things go to shit, the people who are there in the tough times are the ones that you really need to pay the most attention to because those are the ones who don't care whether or not you're at your worst, which says a lot about them and how they feel about you.
[00:37:56] Speaker B: And usually this is something that's brought up with romantic relationships, but it could be any type of friendship. Like the top three most stressful things that could break people apart is moving death and bankruptcy. And when you have found family who come help you out through all of those times, it's a big difference because those are known to be very big stressful times in any human being's life.
[00:38:21] Speaker A: All right, so we'll end by celebrating the profound life changing magic of found family. It's a testament to our ability as humans to create love and support even when it isn't given to us.
[00:38:32] Speaker B: A powerful final challenge to the old.
[00:38:35] Speaker C: Worn out cliche, blood is thicker than water. It's a nice idea, but sometimes the water you find is what truly nourishes and sustains you.
[00:38:46] Speaker A: Next week, join us as we explore meme warfare, the memes that shape modern politics. We'll break down how memes have evolved from Internet jokes to influential political tools, spreading both laughter and misinformation, shaping opinions and even swaying elections. Expect insights into why memes are so powerful and their real world impact.
[00:39:05] Speaker B: We want your input. Tell us about political memes that had the biggest impact on you, for better or for worse, on social media. Don't forget we have a TikTok now in our episode comments on critical defiance.com or by emailing podcastriticaldefiance.com your stories might be featured in our discussions.
[00:39:24] Speaker C: Your hosts and producers are Nils Bobby.
[00:39:28] Speaker B: Socks and Bill behind the scenes, the audio magic is welcomed by Nils and Jack, with crucial feedback and assistance from our associate producers Tyler and Turbo.
[00:39:37] Speaker A: Our writers room is composed of everyone we just mentioned, with help from our friends Skeeter and Jimmy.
[00:39:42] Speaker C: And don't forget, we couldn't do any of this without our incredible contributing members, who not only support us, but help steer the ship on episode topics and format.
[00:39:54] Speaker A: Finally, we'd like to also thank our found family for putting up with us while we put this one together.
[00:39:59] Speaker B: For more or to get involved, find us@critical defiance.com don't forget to subscribe on your favorite podcast app too. It's how we pay the bills.
